Archive for April 23, 2012

I almost forgot

Posted in Pregnant with tags , on April 23, 2012 by Me

Using my last period as a guideline, I will be four weeks tomorrow.

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Another day…

Posted in Emotions, Pregnant with tags , on April 23, 2012 by Me

I thought that reading about other depressed moms-to-be would help me not feel so isolated. I was wrong. It’s triggered an awesome crying jag. I hate this– it isn’t me at all. It makes it worse that I can intellectualize through the emotions, but I still can’t *do* anything about it. It’s like I’m trapped in this depressed, weepy state, where I feel totally overwhelmed by the simplest things and then guilty for not being excited and happy.

I also have zero appetite– I’m eating because I know that I need to, but I’m full after a couple of bites, and then have to force myself to eat more. I can’t seem to get hydrated– no matter how much water I drink, my pee is still nowhere near clear. *sigh*

There is so much that I should be getting done today. I need to call and find out about the public assistance crap, which is hard to do when you can’t stop crying. I need to learn the WordPress stuff. I should be writing. I should be reading. But instead I just sit here feeling anxious and sorry for myself. Yay for productivity.

I need to just put on the big girl panties and deal. But I don’ wanna :/

Overwhelmed.

Posted in Emotions, Pregnant with tags , , , on April 23, 2012 by Me

I am discovering that I am a very selfish anxious person, who likes things to be a particular way. Except in very specific circumstances, loss of control sparks all sorts of anxiety, and there is nothing that I like less than working without a plan in place. Over the last few days I’ve been dealing with bouts of inconsolable crying and even more upsetting, a strong urge to cut (don’t worry, I will NEVER act on it– this is just more of an intellectual observation). According to Dr. Google, at least 10% of pregnant women have depression, because of the influx of hormones to the brain. Awesome. Given all of the potential birth-defects with anti-depressants, I’m really not seeing that as an option. So, instead, I’m going to blog about it all here. Go me.

Things that are upsetting me:

  • I was mentally ready to lose weight, and have indeed been eating MUCH healthier for the last month. Now, I’m not suppose to lose weight. Add to this the fact that I just have next to no appetite, and you’ve got an awesome combination.
  • I had just rediscovered how relaxing a few drinks can be. I don’t relax easily– hell it’s hard for me to relax at all. And now, I don’t get to any more.
  • I don’t want to have to deal with a gazillion doctor appointments. I know for certain that I have at least two high-risk factors (age and weight), which means that I’m going to be watched like a hawk. I hate go to the doctor for anything. Yay.
  • I have no idea how to begin to go about applying for all of the various government assistance that we will need and are entitled to. This requires me to track down all sorts of papers to prove income and what not, and then figuring out what to do because I’m self-employed… more details. I hate details– they are upsetting and overwhelming.
  • I’m afraid that we’ll lose our friends. They are all much younger than us and may not want to spend their time with us once the baby is born.
  • I’m afraid that these feelings of sadness won’t go away, and that I’ll be a terrible mother. I’m selfish, demanding, impatient, and have exceedingly high expectations of everyone around me.
  • I don’t want to have to deal with processes of having to make physical changes around me
  • I don’t want to have to deal with everyone being happy for me. How weird is that? I feel like even more of a freak when others are happy and I’m sitting over here fighting off tears.
  • I feel guilty for having all of these negative feelings– I mean to actually get pregnant at my age and my size is a miracle in itself, right?

That’s all that I can think of for now. I’m hoping that I can get some of this crap out by writing it down here.  Here’s hoping the crazy passes quickly. And as a random side note– I’d still rather be crazy than have morning sickness…