I am discovering that I am a very selfish anxious person, who likes things to be a particular way. Except in very specific circumstances, loss of control sparks all sorts of anxiety, and there is nothing that I like less than working without a plan in place. Over the last few days I’ve been dealing with bouts of inconsolable crying and even more upsetting, a strong urge to cut (don’t worry, I will NEVER act on it– this is just more of an intellectual observation). According to Dr. Google, at least 10% of pregnant women have depression, because of the influx of hormones to the brain. Awesome. Given all of the potential birth-defects with anti-depressants, I’m really not seeing that as an option. So, instead, I’m going to blog about it all here. Go me.

Things that are upsetting me:

  • I was mentally ready to lose weight, and have indeed been eating MUCH healthier for the last month. Now, I’m not suppose to lose weight. Add to this the fact that I just have next to no appetite, and you’ve got an awesome combination.
  • I had just rediscovered how relaxing a few drinks can be. I don’t relax easily– hell it’s hard for me to relax at all. And now, I don’t get to any more.
  • I don’t want to have to deal with a gazillion doctor appointments. I know for certain that I have at least two high-risk factors (age and weight), which means that I’m going to be watched like a hawk. I hate go to the doctor for anything. Yay.
  • I have no idea how to begin to go about applying for all of the various government assistance that we will need and are entitled to. This requires me to track down all sorts of papers to prove income and what not, and then figuring out what to do because I’m self-employed… more details. I hate details– they are upsetting and overwhelming.
  • I’m afraid that we’ll lose our friends. They are all much younger than us and may not want to spend their time with us once the baby is born.
  • I’m afraid that these feelings of sadness won’t go away, and that I’ll be a terrible mother. I’m selfish, demanding, impatient, and have exceedingly high expectations of everyone around me.
  • I don’t want to have to deal with processes of having to make physical changes around me
  • I don’t want to have to deal with everyone being happy for me. How weird is that? I feel like even more of a freak when others are happy and I’m sitting over here fighting off tears.
  • I feel guilty for having all of these negative feelings– I mean to actually get pregnant at my age and my size is a miracle in itself, right?

That’s all that I can think of for now. I’m hoping that I can get some of this crap out by writing it down here.  Here’s hoping the crazy passes quickly. And as a random side note– I’d still rather be crazy than have morning sickness…


2 Responses to “Overwhelmed.”

  1. I think it is super healthy to write all of this down. Awareness is always the first step to handling anything. Being able to name and observe your negative emotions is an excellent tool (in my experience). It gives you a moment outside of them… as an observer. Sometimes that single step back can make all of the difference. ❤

  2. ElizabethKay Says:

    I just want to say, even though I was very young when I had my kids, I was still over 200lbs with each of them. I only gained 2lbs and 12lbs with my pregnancies. I remember worrying my dr. over my weight and he said “don’t try to lose weight, but don’t try to gain too much either, eat health or eat what you can.”

    At my 6 weeks postpartum visits I was 25 and 45 lbs lighter than when I got pregnant, and by the boys first birthdays I was right back to where I had started.

    I wish I had had the confidence to share all of my deep dark thoughts when I was pregnant because not all of them were all sunshine, lollipops and rainbows either.

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