Archive for pregnant and emotional

26w 6d

Posted in Emotions, Incompetent Cervix, Pregnant, Pregnant Sex with tags , , , , , on September 28, 2012 by Me

Some good news– I’m not diabetic! Yay!

More good news- At the last check, my cervix is actually longer than before they put the cerclage in! This is a Very Good Thing. It makes it easier to stick to the bed rest plan when I can see that it’s actually working ūüôā

Bitchy things–

1. With my constant low blood sugar, the need to eat is pretty well constant. My glucose levels drop significantly within 2-3 hours of eating (mid 60’s to low 70’s, when normal is 80+), and even faster if I don’t eat enough calories with a good carb/protein balance. I have to say I’m soooo sick of eating! While I’m not as finicky as I was earlier in the pregnancy (thank goodness!!), it’s still touch and go some days, and I have a hell of a time getting in enough food in a timely manor. I’ve actually lost 5lbs or so in the last month, which isn’t that big of a deal because Seth is gaining like a champ, but it’s also not ideal. I need to eat about 3000 calories a day, which is not an easy thing to do when you don’t really have a taste for junk food, and really are trying to eat a healthy diet. I¬†have discovered, however, that adding cream cheese to smoothies is¬†really yummy! So that helps.

2. Wow do I miss sex/orgasm! I actually started to orgasm in my sleep the other night and was able to shut it down¬†in my sleep! I’m so worried about triggering pre-term labor… but damn, I can’t wait until I don’t have to walk around pregnant and¬†frustrated anymore, lol!

3. Having to sit/lay around and watch your husband work himself until he’s sick and exhausted is heartbreaking. He has long days at school, then has to do the shopping, the cooking, and the cleaning when he gets home, all while I sit like a bump on a log. I do help out a little with my 10-minute intervals during the day, but there’s only so much you can do in ten minutes, and I can’t lift anything, bend, stretch, walk a lot, etc… so it’s hard to be particularly useful.

4. Daytime TV sucks, and I’m too lazy to download anything else, and I don’t want to watch most of the good shows without Stan, because things just aren’t as fun without him :\

5. I’m really disappointed that the last half of my pregnancy isn’t going as planned. We can’t take that cool birthing class. There’s no tour of the hospital (hell, we don’t even know¬†which hospital we’ll be delivering at, since it depends on whether we make it to term or not…). There’s no first-time parent classes. I can’t take a breastfeeding class. There’s no romantic date nights before the baby comes. I don’t get to work on the nursery, or go out to the store to look for cool baby stuff. There’s no “babymoon“. There’s no before-the-baby-comes-wild-sex. And what hurts the most isn’t that¬†I’m¬†missing out on all of this, but that my husband doesn’t get to do any of it either, and this is his first baby too. I hate disappointing him (and yes, he’s disappointed, although he won’t let me take the blame for it, because he’s awesome). Ugh. Maybe I should have put this at number one, since it’s obviously the most upsetting for me– the tears have been coming since I started writing this paragraph.

Overall though, I am incredibly grateful that the pregnancy is back on track and although I get bitchy, whiny, and sad, I ultimately can handle laying around if it helps this little boy come out healthy and on-time.

16w 3d– Amnio

Posted in Emotions, Genetic Screening, Pregnant with tags , , , , , on July 17, 2012 by Me

Amnio is tomorrow… or I guess later today. I’m starting to get really nervous about it, and worried that something bad is going to happen to the Spawn. I mean, I know that logically the strongest odds are that everything will be ok, but I can’t help the pregnant paranoia, ya know?

Ugh. I’m hoping that I can sleep tonight. And I’m hoping that I don’t have horrific dreams about terrible things happening to the Spawn…

I’ll post more in the next couple of days, I’m sure. For now, I just wanted to get this off my chest.

Update on OB Situation

Posted in Emotions, Pregnant, Shitty OBGYN with tags , , , on June 20, 2012 by Me

My loving husband spent two days working with my Perinatal Specialist’s nurse, and we have obtained a referral for a new OBGYN that she is sure will take marvelous care of us. I’m really hoping so, because it’s a total pain to switch offices, and I really don’t want to have to do it again. My first appointment with the new doctor (Dr. Michaels) is on July 2nd. I’ve filled out and faxed the medical release to the old office so that the new one can have the records before my visit. Maybe she’ll even go over my lab results with me! And give me information on how things are going to work, since this is my first pregnancy! Online ratings of the new doctor are mixed, but I don’t know that that means anything, since all of the ratings for the old one were glowing, which still confuses me. ¬†I wonder if he has one of those services that clean up your online reputations…? I trust Dr. Vo, and I am intending this to be a better experience. Mostly I just hope that the new doctor is neither poor-people, or fat-people prejudiced :\

This week I will be drafting a letter to send to the previous doctor’s affiliated hospital, as well as the program that referred us to him. I am also going to hit the social media sites and rate him as impartially as I can (I’m really trying to keep emotions out of all of this and just stick to the facts– you make a better case that way). ¬†I have to be careful– as I previous victim of psychological abuse, it’s super-easy for me to rationalize everything. Luckily Stan is keeping me honest ūüėČ

How NOT To Treat A Pregnant Patient…

Posted in Emotions, Pregnant, Shitty OBGYN, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , on June 18, 2012 by Me

So, I just had my first visit with my OB, Dr. Wrightson (I saw his RNP, Sarah before, and she was fabulous!!). I am now looking for a new OB because in the brief 12-week visit, I berrated and told:

  1. I am fat and should be LOSING weight, not gaining it. Yes, I’m overweight (292 at 5’10” with a large frame). I have gained a total of 2lbs so far (12w2d). My Perinatal Specialist says that she’d like to see me gain a total 15-20lbs. Dr. Wrightson vehemently disaggreed. He also told me that I should have been exercising all along, because “exercise has no bearing on a high-risk pregnancy”. I’m 42 and my BP and Blood Sugar are both low-normal.
  2. Because Medicaid will pay for OTC meds with a prescription, I asked if he would write me a script for my prenatals and two other OTCs that I take. He informed me “just because Medicade WILL pay for something, doesn’t mean that they SHOULD pay for it, ” and told me that we should just be paying out of pocket for OTC stuff. He then refused to write a script for anything but the prenatals.
  3. When I told him that we are both currently unemployed (my husband is an out-of-work teacher) and that every littly bit helps, he pointed out that we are having a baby. When I told him that there wasn’t much that can be done about it now, he said, “Well there WAS something that COULD have been done about it.” Insinuating what? That we should have had an abortion!? I told him that that wasn’t an option, and he rolled his eyes at me (and apparently mumbled something under his breath, which I didn’t hear, but my husband did).
  4. I had the normal bloodwork done at my last visit, but he didn’t bother to go over any of it with me, instead he simply handed me my chart and walked out of the room. Luckily, I know a little bit about medical tests, so I was able to puruse my lab results and find out that I’m not a CF carrier, and the I have no Rubella immunity (which I already knew). Oh, and I’m Rh+ which would have been nice to know. If i would have been thinking more clearly, I would have just walked out of the office with the chart.

Needless to say I was horrified, and terribly upset. My husband desperately wanted to hit the guy. Knowing absolutely nothing about us or our circumstances, this man did nothing but judge us harshly and obviously find us unworthy to be parents.

The really strange thing about all of this is that he came to me highly recommended! If you look at his online reviews, they say things like “caring”, “patient”, “kind”, “wonderful human being”. It makes me feel like I must be some sort of troll for such a man to dislike me so much! Apparently he’s a great doctor if you’re not fat and poor. *eyeroll* Even if he was having a bad day, it really doesn’t excuse the way he treated me. I left there feeling like he would rather something happen to my baby, than have it raised by a fat, poor, old mother.

Stan has been on the phone with Dr. Vo’s office (my Perinatal Dr.) and they are horrified as well. Her nurse is checking to see if Dr. Vo will take me on as a regular labor and delivery patient, or if she can recommend someone who will treat me with more compassion, and possibly like a human being…

The plan at this point is to write a letter to send to the hospital board, the program that referred me to him, and to him.

11w 3d– Nuchal Translucency Scan (NTS)

Posted in Emotions, Genetic Screening, Pregnant with tags , , , , , , , , , on June 12, 2012 by Me

So today was the first visit with the Perinatal Specialist (because of my age). I had another ultrasound done, as well as the ¬†nuchal translucency scan¬†(NTS). This scan helps detect the risk of genetic and heart abnormalities. We also met with a genetic counselor to talk about the risks of genetic abnormalities– for a woman my age, my child has a 1/17 (5.8%) chance of having a genetic problem. That’s a really scary number. Although an optimist would tell me that it’s a 94.2% chance of NOTHING being wrong…

The good news– the baby was super active and appears to be developing normally (actually measuring at 12w).

The not-as-good-news– the nuchal fold measured at 3.0 mm, which is on the cusp of normal (according to the Dr. normal is under 3.0 and abnormal is over 3.0). This means that the baby¬†could¬†be at increased risk for a chromosomal defect (such as Down’s Syndrome) or a congenital heart defect. That being said, 9 out of 10 babies with a nuchal fold of less than 3.5mm are perfectly normal. The only way to be sure is to do either a¬†Chorionic villus sampling (CVS)¬†or an Amniocentesis, both of which have their associated risks. Although the CVS can be done sooner (the amnio can’t be done until 16 weeks), it has a ¬†higher risk of miscarriage (1/100 vs 1/1000), and doesn’t give you as much information as the amnio does. We’ve decided on the amnio, and the test is scheduled for 7/17. It takes about two weeks to get the results back after the procedure is done.

Also– my blood pressure was up to 142/82 from 107/71 a month ago. Granted, they took the reading AFTER I was given the above information, and it took the machine 5-6 tries before the machine was able to get an accurate reading. The Dr. isn’t worried about it, since it was one anomalous reading, but of course it’s something else for me to worry about. Stress levels have been high here, given that Stan’s last day of work was last week, and nothing else has come to fruition yet. I’m really praying that my family is going to come through with the help we need to get us through the summer, until he is teaching again.

I am trying hard not to stress about the whole NTS thing. Of course I’ve been scanning the internet and trying to make it give me information that it has no way of knowing. I just desperately want this baby to be healthy (who doesn’t!?) and it is so scary to think that there might be something wrong. And to know that I can’t find out anything more about it for another 5 WEEKS, or actually 7 weeks, since we have to wait two additional weeks for the test results. So, in the meantime I have to go on as if everything is ok, and try not to worry. Awesome. So all of your good thoughts and prayers are appreciated…

The nice thing is that my specialist is also pregnant and AMA (Advanced Maternal Age), and she had an NTS reading of 2.8, and everything turned out fine.

Next week is my 12 week appointment with my regular OB– Saturday is 12 weeks, so I will attempt to enter this next trimester cautiously optimistic.

Overwhelmed.

Posted in Emotions, Pregnant with tags , , , on April 23, 2012 by Me

I am discovering that I am a very selfish¬†anxious person, who likes things to be a particular way. Except in very specific circumstances, loss of control sparks all sorts of anxiety, and there is nothing that I like less than working without a plan in place. Over the last few days I’ve been dealing with bouts of¬†inconsolable¬†crying and even more upsetting, a strong urge to cut (don’t worry, I will NEVER act on it– this is just more of an intellectual observation). According to Dr. Google, at least 10% of pregnant women have depression, because of the influx of hormones to the brain. Awesome. Given all of the potential birth-defects with anti-depressants, I’m really not seeing that as an option. So, instead, I’m going to blog about it all here. Go me.

Things that are upsetting me:

  • I was mentally ready to lose weight, and have indeed been eating MUCH healthier for the last month. Now, I’m not suppose to lose weight. Add to this the fact that I just have next to no appetite, and you’ve got an awesome combination.
  • I had just rediscovered how relaxing a few drinks can be. I don’t relax easily– hell it’s hard for me to relax at all. And now, I don’t get to any more.
  • I don’t want to have to deal with a gazillion doctor appointments. I know for certain that I have at least two high-risk factors (age and weight), which means that I’m going to be watched like a hawk. I hate go to the doctor for anything. Yay.
  • I have no idea how to begin to go about applying for all of the various government assistance that we will need and are entitled to. This requires me to track down all sorts of papers to prove income and what not, and then figuring out what to do because I’m self-employed… more details. I hate details– they are upsetting and overwhelming.
  • I’m afraid that we’ll lose our friends. They are all much younger than us and may not want to spend their time with us once the baby is born.
  • I’m afraid that these feelings of sadness won’t go away, and that I’ll be a terrible mother. I’m selfish, demanding, impatient, and have exceedingly high expectations of everyone around me.
  • I don’t want to have to deal with processes of having to make physical changes around me
  • I don’t want to have to deal with everyone being happy for me. How weird is that? I feel like even more of a freak when others are happy and I’m sitting over here fighting off tears.
  • I feel guilty for having all of these negative feelings– I mean to actually get pregnant at my age and my size is a miracle in itself, right?

That’s all that I can think of for now. I’m hoping that I can get some of this crap out by writing it down here. ¬†Here’s hoping the crazy passes quickly. And as a random side note– I’d still rather be crazy than have morning sickness…

And so it begins…

Posted in Emotions, Pregnant with tags , , , , , on April 20, 2012 by Me

It all starts here. Two little pink lines, and my world changes forever. Am I happy? Not sure. Shocked? Yes. Overwhelmed? Yes. Scared? Hell yes.

While we had not been not-trying, I think that we both had given up on the idea of actually getting pregnant. That’s how they say it goes– once you stop, is when it happens. The problem is, I’d mentally resigned myself to the “fact” that it wasn’t going to happen. Made my peace with it. Then it happened.

Tears were cried. Phone calls were made. And a numb-shock fell over me.